BAE Win Contract To Salvage Costa Concordia - Dirk Van Den Haagen Daaz Reports

Talent - free engineering company, BAE have won the lucrative contract to try and right the stricken Italian liner "Costa Concordia" after a meeting conducted at "Honest" Alf Tonks seafood stall in Selsey, West Sussex. I interviewed Mr Tonks after his afternoon banjo practise and he revealed the details of the deal. "I have never seen so many clipboard wankers in my life" he stated whilst dismembering a crab in preparation for dressing, (£3.99 each, thats value for money). He went on to outline BAEs proposed method for righting the vessel. It seems that Bales will begin to pump out the remaining water and then Marlin Environmental will attend to do the job properly, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. BAE also propose to introduce a paperwork system which will prove difficult to use and will hold up the job by a matter of months, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. They then intend to flood the job with a collection of "managers" who will prove to be ineffectual and terminally dim/ignorant, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. BAE are also in crisis as they seem unable to prevent their new type 45 destroyers from catching fire but at least this should not be an issue with the Costa Concordia in its present position.

Gash Declines Take-Over Bid From News International - Ted Maul Reports

News International have failed in their bid to take over the popular blog "Gash" after an emergency meeting of Gash staff. Phone hacking allegations have also been made against NI in the lead up to the meeting which was attended by all Gash reporters. The editor released this statement a short time ago, "Our small concern will never relinquish its right to be independant in the field of world media, scum-sucking bastards like Rupert Murdoch and his cohorts have no place in our forthright and honest publication. Murdoch, 80-odd, of colonial descent has a Nazi style obsession with controlling the worlds media going as far as attempting, (and failing), to buy the rights to the Rose Green WI monthly gazette last month. News International are fighting more phone hacking allegations regarding the Sunday celebrity rag "The news of the world", a paper only read by half-wits and celebrity obsessed imbeciles. This blog will not lower itself to even discuss the grotesque implications of the allegations but does offer this advice to all its loyal readers. Cancel your sky subscription, do not buy any NI publication and boycott anything to do with Murdoch.

Transvac Discard Skilled Staff But Retain Imbeciles - Ted Maul Reports

Transvac Systems, a tin-pot tuppenny ha'penny firm based near Ford prison has released its two most skilled employees in a recent staff shake-up. However, a whiff of controversy surrounds their release by the fact that Transvac have retained some members of staff who, as it has been observed, are as much use as the chernobyl safety manager. The highly skilled and experienced men cannot be named for legal reasons. Howard Bland, 50, a time served pipe fitter and system trouble-shooter of anglo-scandinavian descent and David Whines, 47, an electro-mechanical marine engineer of anglo-scottish descent are now coming to terms with the current employment environment whilst at least 2 halfwits retain their positions earning film star wages. Mr Bland is reported to have already been head-hunted by a rival company but will be relaxing on a beach somewhere surrounded by women until he returns to work. Mr Whines is considering his options but in the meantime will spend time in his recording studio and preparing lectures for a local amateur gynecology group. It is a sad reflection of todays world when hands on skills are no longer required and two men at the top of their profession find themselves on the scrapheap facing an uncertain furure.

West Sussex Firm Shows Scant Regard For Health & Safety - Reg Costello Reports

A West Sussex Firm has been reported to the HSE for repeatedly laughing in the face of worker's safety and paying no heed at all to modern working practice guidelines, the firm cannot be named for legal reasons. The picture left shows a Transvac employee suffering from having his leg badly crushed by a hefty plank, whilst a colleague mocks him and goads the photographer to take more pictures. According to various sources, this is just one of many such incidents from a catalogue of catastrophes over many years. Rumours are rife including a near miss when a heavy pump was being lowered into a crate with old bits of string, a senior employee being struck down due to careless fork lift truck operation and an immigrant welder who lost most of his hand due to horseplay in the workshop. The Service Manager was interviewed regarding these accusations and put these infringements down to workers "acting the goat" whilst his back was turned. He also asked me to say "Hi to Howard" whatever that means.

"He Did Not Die Horribly Enough" - Public Reaction To Raoul Moats Death - Ted Maul Reports

Amidst ill-placed tributes and family criticism of the "Tazering" of sadistic, unstable lunatic Raoul Moat, the general public are glad that he is dead. It seems incredible that after the Cumbrian shootings and the carnage inflicted by Moat that a facebook campaign has been launched by a selection of "Geordie" cretins stating that Moat was a "great guy" and a "good dad". I know of no other "good dad" who thinks it is fine to shoot a Policeman in the face and then progress to strike fear into the general public. The Newcastle area is awash with criminals and assorted misfits, take convicted thug Cheryl Cole for example. One of the Policemen I interviewed was Heinrich Attilla, 29 of Anglo-German/Hun descent, "Tazer! if I had been given a choice I would have carved the bastard up with a Saxon broadsword!". The fact that Moat is dead has saved the public over £100,000 per annum to keep the bastard in a luxury prison with more facilities than a second world war veteran could ever dream of.

Alledged "Sex Attack Bike" Discovered In Ford - Ted Maul Reports

A ladies mountain bike connected with an attack of a sexual nature was located today in a skip on Rudford industrial estate West Sussex. The bike is owned by the alledged victim of the attack, Concepta McGinty, 19, a seamstress and burlesque dancer of Irish descent who lives in the Littlehampton Latin quarter. The bike was found by Arno Glickstein, 52, a recycling operative of Hebrew descent who works at South Coast Skips, the owners of the skip. "I knew the bike belonged to an Irish girl as her rosary beads were still in the front mounted shopping basket already" he stated between bites of a salt beef bagel. "We get all manner of shit and gash through these doors including cadavers, explosives, MFI furniture, outdated automatic weapons and welshmen. When I saw the pink tassles stuck on the handlebars and a playing card attached to the rear spokes with a clothes peg I knew the bike belonged to a youngster". CSI Littlehampton found minute traces of fecal matter, spicy sausage, tea and semen on the saddle and handlebars suggesting the assailant was of Eastern European origin. Investigations continue in the area and a stake-out has been established in Hotham park, Bognor Regis, a hotbed of sordid nocturnal activities and all day vodka drinking sessions.

Eastern Europeans Flood Ford - Amos Applechurch Reports

Complaints are flooding into the Gash offices regarding the influx of more Eastern Europeans into Rudford industrial estate, whose grounds contain a selection of various tin-pot cowboy firms blagging their way through life while more worthy companys struggle. Two were interviewed at some time or other at one of the firms, Transvac Systems, a company specialising in the removal of shit, piss, vomit, sperm, jam-rags, surgical sharps and other assorted debris found in sewage tanks. Vladimir Analenema, 20 odd, and Pieter Suckoffski, 40 odd, both of Ukranian origin are very happy to be in England, "Best blowjob I ever had was an English girl.........She sucked my balls!" stated Mr Suckoffski whilst devouring a spicy sausage and spam bagette. He continued, "Even Catholic girls put out here and they are very clean, not like those Russian Orthodox slags back in the motherland". His work mate, Mr Analenema was quiet at first but soon revealed a little of himself. "Some weeks ago I took a girl from Littlehampton against a wall and against her will, I even stole her bike after which I now use to get to work in this stinking piss-hole". After the interview the two men left from work early in order to purchase more spicy sausage and spam, "I have had enough of this bullshit job for one day" Mr Suckoffski exclaimed, "I need to drink vodka and get laid, but this time try to avoid any charges of rape! Dozabachenia!".

Harry Gladless Laments Over Modern Bognor - Finton Garragher Reports

In an interview conducted tomorrow, Harry "Gladys" Gladless gave his valuable opinions on the state of modern Bognor Regis over a Tregaust sausage banjo and a glass of "Merryweathers apple and nut blunderbuss" a local ale. Mr Gladness, 40 odd, a storeman, sport diver and retired poisoner of Anglo-Saxon descent was clearly angry about several issues concerning the once quaint seaside idyll. "Fuckin' townies and other riff-raff moving into the area, it ain't roight!" he ejaculated, covering me in a mist of ale and saliva. "Even where oi work is full of scousers, brummies and bloody Londoners, there ain't one baarsterd oose Sussex born and bred!" Sadly, Mr Gladless is part of a dying breed whose yokel charms were once popular with tourists from Crawley and other beautiful Sussex towns. Mr Gladless then slipped into a series of monologues describing how local fisherman used to insert various species of marine crustacea into rookie crew-members arseholes for an initiation, and various accounts of violence projected at "townies" using the beach near the pier who complained about the smell of rancid fishing related detrious.