Alledged "Sex Attack Bike" Discovered In Ford - Ted Maul Reports
A ladies mountain bike connected with an attack of a sexual nature was located today in a skip on Rudford industrial estate West Sussex. The bike is owned by the alledged victim of the attack, Concepta McGinty, 19, a seamstress and burlesque dancer of Irish descent who lives in the Littlehampton Latin quarter. The bike was found by Arno Glickstein, 52, a recycling operative of Hebrew descent who works at South Coast Skips, the owners of the skip. "I knew the bike belonged to an Irish girl as her rosary beads were still in the front mounted shopping basket already" he stated between bites of a salt beef bagel. "We get all manner of shit and gash through these doors including cadavers, explosives, MFI furniture, outdated automatic weapons and welshmen. When I saw the pink tassles stuck on the handlebars and a playing card attached to the rear spokes with a clothes peg I knew the bike belonged to a youngster". CSI Littlehampton found minute traces of fecal matter, spicy sausage, tea and semen on the saddle and handlebars suggesting the assailant was of Eastern European origin. Investigations continue in the area and a stake-out has been established in Hotham park, Bognor Regis, a hotbed of sordid nocturnal activities and all day vodka drinking sessions.
Eastern Europeans Flood Ford - Amos Applechurch Reports
Complaints are flooding into the Gash offices regarding the influx of more Eastern Europeans into Rudford industrial estate, whose grounds contain a selection of various tin-pot cowboy firms blagging their way through life while more worthy companys struggle. Two were interviewed at some time or other at one of the firms, Transvac Systems, a company specialising in the removal of shit, piss, vomit, sperm, jam-rags, surgical sharps and other assorted debris found in sewage tanks. Vladimir Analenema, 20 odd, and Pieter Suckoffski, 40 odd, both of Ukranian origin are very happy to be in England, "Best blowjob I ever had was an English girl.........She sucked my balls!" stated Mr Suckoffski whilst devouring a spicy sausage and spam bagette. He continued, "Even Catholic girls put out here and they are very clean, not like those Russian Orthodox slags back in the motherland". His work mate, Mr Analenema was quiet at first but soon revealed a little of himself. "Some weeks ago I took a girl from Littlehampton against a wall and against her will, I even stole her bike after which I now use to get to work in this stinking piss-hole". After the interview the two men left from work early in order to purchase more spicy sausage and spam, "I have had enough of this bullshit job for one day" Mr Suckoffski exclaimed, "I need to drink vodka and get laid, but this time try to avoid any charges of rape! Dozabachenia!".
Harry Gladless Laments Over Modern Bognor - Finton Garragher Reports
In an interview conducted tomorrow, Harry "Gladys" Gladless gave his valuable opinions on the state of modern Bognor Regis over a Tregaust sausage banjo and a glass of "Merryweathers apple and nut blunderbuss" a local ale. Mr Gladness, 40 odd, a storeman, sport diver and retired poisoner of Anglo-Saxon descent was clearly angry about several issues concerning the once quaint seaside idyll. "Fuckin' townies and other riff-raff moving into the area, it ain't roight!" he ejaculated, covering me in a mist of ale and saliva. "Even where oi work is full of scousers, brummies and bloody Londoners, there ain't one baarsterd oose Sussex born and bred!" Sadly, Mr Gladless is part of a dying breed whose yokel charms were once popular with tourists from Crawley and other beautiful Sussex towns. Mr Gladless then slipped into a series of monologues describing how local fisherman used to insert various species of marine crustacea into rookie crew-members arseholes for an initiation, and various accounts of violence projected at "townies" using the beach near the pier who complained about the smell of rancid fishing related detrious.
A ladies mountain bike connected with an attack of a sexual nature was located today in a skip on Rudford industrial estate West Sussex. The bike is owned by the alledged victim of the attack, Concepta McGinty, 19, a seamstress and burlesque dancer of Irish descent who lives in the Littlehampton Latin quarter. The bike was found by Arno Glickstein, 52, a recycling operative of Hebrew descent who works at South Coast Skips, the owners of the skip. "I knew the bike belonged to an Irish girl as her rosary beads were still in the front mounted shopping basket already" he stated between bites of a salt beef bagel. "We get all manner of shit and gash through these doors including cadavers, explosives, MFI furniture, outdated automatic weapons and welshmen. When I saw the pink tassles stuck on the handlebars and a playing card attached to the rear spokes with a clothes peg I knew the bike belonged to a youngster". CSI Littlehampton found minute traces of fecal matter, spicy sausage, tea and semen on the saddle and handlebars suggesting the assailant was of Eastern European origin. Investigations continue in the area and a stake-out has been established in Hotham park, Bognor Regis, a hotbed of sordid nocturnal activities and all day vodka drinking sessions.
