Gash

The Taxpaying public were angry last night as a story broke illustrating the Gestapo style tactics employed by British Gas enabling them to break into homes. This is possible as they have "Statutory right of entry" into any home they choose on the grounds of safety or fraud. The story broke after an incident where a mans house was broken into during his absence to "retrieve their meter". The victim involved, Mr Clifton Tabernacle, 40-odd, of Anglo-Hebrew descent was interviewed shortly after the attrocity. "Bastards, bastards, bastards !" was his first statement regarding this breach of human rights. "They are a shower of bastards, all of them already, the next British Gas nazi who steps on my property will find themselves on the wrong end of a Spear & Jackson garden fork". Mr Tabernacle was clearly distressed by this outrage and continued his justified attack on this disruption to his other wise quiet life. "Bastards, bastards, bastar...

People who use social networking sites are not only under attack from personal security issues but a report published last week suggests they are also under the impression that many computer users with normal levels of intelligence are actually interested in any of the inane rubbish posted on their webpages . Up to 90% of users are losing "real-time" social skills as they spend hour upon hour conducting trivial questionaires which underline how pathetic their real lives have become. Experts predict this is the stepping stone to a " cyber society" where people will rarely interact with each other unless through a portal such as a PC etc. Question, "Do you have a facebook ?", answer, (If you are above pondlife intelligence), "No, I have a life and a brain".

Selsey was plunged back into chaos yesterday as Suliman the Magnificent walked into the seaside town at the head of over 3000 Ottoman Turks. Mr Magnificent, once presumed dead, of Central Asian descent almost destroyed the entire force of Osama Bin Ladens rag tag gang of vagabonds, scoundrels and blaggards . The Selsey WI were out in force distributing hot sweet tea, (without milk), which went down rather well with Sulimans rampaging hoarde . Plans are now afoot to refurbish the mosque and re-instate Ali Akbar Rafsanjani as the muezzin, his call to prayer being very popular. Suliman also wants peace restored and the kebab shop rebuilt after a bomb concealed in a bottle of garlic sauce exploded 3 weeks ago leaving the shop staff dazed and smelling like a Frenchman. The hoardes were hungry after the carnage and "honest" Alf Tonks seafood stall was sold out within minutes. Some calm has now come to this war torn village but fear is the rebels are re-grouping for anot...

In an in depth interview conducted some time or other, Dean Moulson revealed in depth information of his life as a player in the Bognor area. Moulson, late 20s, an ex petty crook and plasterer of Saxon/Irish/Scottish descent has made love to incalculable amounts of women in the area over the years and explained his techniques over a bagel and a bottle of icelandic pinot noir. "The way to crack a woman is to shower her with fine wines and Belgian chocolates, it has always worked in the past and still works to this day". Moulson also applies his work ethic to seducing a lucky lady, "plastering a wall is like making love to a beautiful Woman, you have to work over the area first before making sure all cracks are filled". He also provided advice on how a guy should present himself, " I have always found smart shoes and a pair of action slacks with a loose fitting white shirt/medalion combination a winner, in conjunction with a liberal dab of blue stratos, it always...

Bognor citizens were angry last night as the local authorities & the police failed to agree on policies to combat this new urban menace. Shoppers and prostitutes have been attacked by gangs of OAPs driving those funny little battery powered cripple chariots using walking sticks as lances and paint ball guns for general combat purposes. The leader of this gang is thought to be Doris Pickles, 78, of Anglo-Norman descent, a known accomplice of Adolf Hitler when he visited Rose Green in 1944. Mrs. Pickles made him a wide selection of cakes, pastries and related sundries when he visited the Rose Green pastry guild for afternoon tea, this led to casual conversations about strategies and tactics which would serve Mrs. Pickles very well in the future. She describes this campaign as “total war against society” for some reason or other and warns of more concentrated attacks to come. Rose Green is still in shock as the gang made a daring raid on the knitting shop causing substantial damage to...

Progressive rock fans were pulling themselves off in excitement last week as news leaked out that rumours surrounding the formation of a local rock “supergroup” were true. The band, called “You are here” are a 4/5 piece prog-rock combo comprising members of succesful past rock outfits. They are: Sid Siddique, 30-odd, ex Rose Green bhangra act “Ali Akbars Cosmic Deception” on guitar, Simon Hutchison, 30-odd, ex Aldwyck garage band “The Smoking Tornadoes” on keyboards, Gary "Spud" Brien, 40-odd, ex Rochester blues combo “Chew My Arse” on drums and Dave Whines, 40-odd, ex Dartford prog-rock quintet “The Big Wednesday” on bass guitar and vocals. Rumours have also circulated that "Disco" John may be joining as lead guitarist. Disco, 40-odd, has played with various top local rock acts including "Muddy Gays Blues Gypsies, The Jimi Maddox Experience & Bucks Fizz tribute act Fucks Bizz". The working title for the recording is "The Gardens Of Telos" an...

New God-squad appointee, Canon Jeffrey John has started his life as prospective Bishop by challenging the choir of Tossbury cathedral to a wanking competition. Canon John, 30-odd, of ecclesiastical descent, has spent most of his life in a “fart or turd” dilemma which can be very embarrassing if a punter is trying to enter you. C of E bigwigs will meet at this years general synod and one of the items on the agenda will be whether or not to televise the competition. This could see television ratings soar as we are treated to the “Cuddly” Cannon pulling himself off live and uncut. Canon John will have to be at his best to beat alto - soprano Justin Simkins, known to his friends as "two jerks and a squirt" Justin.

A group of burly manual workers were taken by surprise last week when they found TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly, sat inside their skip. The men nearly ditched a bin full of apple cores and fag butts over her but she stood up and demanded a mug of tea and a ciggy. According to the workmen, she stank of booze and fags and was dressed in a tarty but tasteful micro skirt and boob tube combination. She then pulled a bottle of buckfast tonic wine out of her pocket and began to slake her thirst. Kelly, 40 odd, of Hiberno-Gaelic descent had been on a bender with other notable Scots like John Leslie and the Krankies. On being asked why she got her head down in a skip she replied, “Och, its far better than a park bench, d'ye ken?”. She then stumbled away swinging her handbag in a sexually provocative manner, struggling to walk in her high heeled "hooker style" stilettos.

Selsey was put on a state of high alert last night as intelligence suggested that Al Queda terrorists are ready to launch an attack on this backwards Sussex town populated by in-breds and other assorted scum and riff-raff. The local home guard have been re-called after being stood down in 1945. Public unrest has broken out after the kebab shop was torched last night and the owners taunted, mocked and shunned. Osama Bin-Laden himself is rumored to be leading the attack himself as the kebab shop owner is a member of his tribe. Selsey locals have been expecting the backlash since the kebab shop incident. “The pitta bread was always soggy and the chilli sauce had no real punch, also the salad was bogging.” quoted Kelvin Undermanager this morning. “My brother who is also my Father was shitting conkers after scuppering a large mixed kofte last Friday”.

As expected, Monty Don and Alan Titchmarsh finally came to blows at the Chelsea flower show earlier this year. Charlie Dimmock tried to wrestle them apart but was beaten back by the ferocity of the two feuding gardeners. The row ensued over allegations by Monty Don, 40-odd of Anglo-Irish descent, that he was “pissing all over Titchmarsh” in the popularity stakes. Mr. Don leapt at Titchmarsh, 5o odd, of Yorkshire descent, from a small birch tree wielding a Spear & Jackson professional lawn edging tool. Before he could begin a series of savage blows to the head, Mr. Titchmarsh responded by lashing out wildly with a B&Q economy rake. The two then fell into an ornamental lilly pond until the bout was finally broken up by Tommy Walsh. Mr. Walsh said later, “I am disgusted with those two bastards, what an example to set to a young gardener”.

Sensation hit the streets of Rose Green last week as an authentic set of Hitler diaries were found at a charity boot sale. They were submitted for sale by a Mrs E. Braun, a local resident since May 1945. The diaries give us a tantalising insight into the mind of the second world war nuisance. In it he speaks fondly of Rose Green and its surrounding villages suggesting that he wished to retire there after achieving world domination. He speaks highly of the local WI after spending many coffee mornings with them. "He was a lovely man" said Doris Pickles who was only 19 at the time. "I could not help thinking that something was troubling him though he loved my lemon fondant fancies".

BBC Bosses released papers today suggesting that they paid the Mafia/CIA over a million bucks to assassinate the Irish-American President a day ahead of schedule to avoid a clash with the pilot episode of Dr Who, the greatest sci-fi programme ever made. Jackie Kennedy had been previously consulted as her marriage to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis also had to be brought forward. She was also looking forward to watching Dr Who in peace and quiet without having to listen to the Kennedy brothers wobble on about Russia and whose turn it was to kick Marilyn Munro's back door in. J F K was also aware of this change to scheduling but did not have the power to interfere with BBC scheduling.

Aging Nazi and WW2 nuisance, Adolph Eichmann was spotted walking calmly into Brick Kiln Nurseries on Sunday morning. He had come to discuss installing a water feature at his Selsey cottage. Adolph has lived a quiet life in Selsey after faking his death in Israel. Ted Maul took this statement; "I came to Selsey where I could blend in with all the other freaks and misfits who seem to be prevalent there, I got a job working as a secretary in the local health centre under the alias of Martin Bormann. I took up gardening as a hobby as it is a welcome change from butchering innocent people". Mr Eichman also runs a local match-making service in Selsey specialising in people with blond hair and blue eyes. He can be contacted at Genocide cottage, Selsey 555 5705.

Often tubby and alledged coke-head/piss artist, Kerry Katona is not flavour of the month after public complaints which have swamped Iceland since her exploits have been published in the tabloid press. Katona, 20 odd, of Eastern European and northern council estate descent, shot to fame after being in 3 piece mime act, Atomic Kitten for all of ten minutes. Since then she has been a constant feature on television and newspapers and even inviting "Hello" magazine into her house before her marriage to that Irish eejit went to buggery. "Our Kerry", as she has been named by the media, may be just that to a select few, but not the general public who are sick to death with her constant media exposure even though she has no discernable talent. Also under public scrutiny is the award of "Celebrity mum of the year" even though these awards ran alongside tabloid stories, featuring alledged pictures of her with a rolled up fiver stuck up her nose, snorting chang from a...

IOW President, Sir Edgar Acropolis has clinched the islands bid to host the next world war at a summit meeting in Ryde, the islands capital. Other bidders included Skye, Corsica, Guernsey & Cyprus. The IOW beat the other islands hands down due to superior beaches for amphibious landings and excellent cafes/restaurants for mid carnage refreshment. But in accordance with guidelines from NATO, the runway at Bembridge airport will have to be lengthened considerably. Biological and chemical warfare will be available by prior booking but nuclear strikes are discouraged due to the wildlife. D-Day style cliff assaults are available at Whitecliff bay but not Blackgang Chine due to severe errosion issues.

Police, MOD & the local WI are searching for a man who has gone crazy after being arrested for vagrancy in the war-torn town of Selsey, West Sussex. The man who has not been named for security reasons is called Dean Moulson, 27, a labourer of Hiberno-Saxo-Irish descent. Reports suggest he was walking through the town to see an ex-forces buddy when he was approached by Special Constable Will Teasle, late 40s, ex-sherrif of Jerkwater USA. Moulson appeared unkempt and surly whilst being questioned by Teasle about the validity of his visit to the town. Moulson was taken to the local Police station which also doubles as the town tattoo/piercing emporium for questioning but broke free injuring several special constables and jogging the tattooist into a series of catastrophic spelling errors. He then stole a trials type motorbike and made his escape into the Selsey wetlands, being persued by an angry mob of Police and local TA who were conducting exercises in the area at the time. His tra...

Papers have been released suggesting that Poland was invaded by Germany because Hitler's orders were misheard. The phrase “Vill no-one rid me of these piles” was misheard as “Poles” and the rest is history. If only old Adolf had taken advantage of the many preparations and poultices available at the time, WW2 may have been avoided. Mr. Hitler's diet of pickled herrings, sauerbrokken & sauerkraut took its toll on his arse leaving anal stalagmites similar to those found on heavy ruby murray eaters. In the last days of the war Hitler's whore/wife Eva Braun had to spend many hours applying savlon to his ring in a vain attempt to quell the onslaught of open sores and infected pustules. Much of his shouting during Nazi rallies was due to pain brought on by a growing bag of grapes hanging from his arse. His piles can be seen at the Berlin Chalfont's museum in the hoopenstraze along with Herman Goerings aniseed twist collection and Martin Boremanns comedy toupees.

P & O have decided to cut their losses and have the stricken vessel Aurora broken up when it returns to the UK riddled with more disease the Geri Helliwells underwear draw. The contract has gone to Pugh building services with Mr. Mick Hames as project manager. “As we build most of our projects with shit left over from other jobs this contract is ideal” said Mr. Hames over a light lunch of smoked salmon, scotch eggs, guiness and 20 royals. Mr. Hames has stretched his resources to encompass this project as well as the rebuilding of Iraq but predicts a smooth operation, “The fact that this ship is riddled with disease does not scare me” said Mr. Hames over a cheese board augmented by a vintage port. “I am so full of bacteria that I am immune to anything that shitty old boat can throw at me”. The boat contains large amounts of asbestos and CFCs but Mr. Hames has already hatched a plan to safely dispose of the material, he explains over a large cognac, “I going to burn the fucking lot b...

Kids are getting fatter and that is a fact. A new report, published by Finklesteins emergency reports, states that most of this is down to their parents crazed close quarter protection and poor quality food. The reason these women insist on driving their little fat McDonalds kids everywhere is because they are the women who wanted softer sentences for nonce's and other unstable lunatics. Then because they are “so busy” they funnel heaps of fast food into them before handing them a series of various remote controls where they can absorb more adverts suggesting which type of shite they can eat next.

Always at the center of controversy, George Bush still found time to talk to the troops in war torn Selsey last week. He was, however, 25 minutes late as he missed the 12:15 from Chichester station. Embarrassment was averted as “Honest” Alf Tonks was on his way home from the seafood wholesalers in his series 3 land rover, (Ex MOD, 5 bearing crank, FWH & fairey overdrive model). Mr Bush reached the podium, and began, with a distinct aroma of fish, his thrilling oration in honour of all the troops deployed in this troubled West Sussex village, not like that nice place called Nyetimber. He praised the US detachment for their heroic attempt at re-taking the discount tyre centre from Al Queda forces. Mr Bush also offered a large sum for the capture of local activist “Al Queda Neil”, responsible for many atrocities such as the Pagham duck pond waste bin bombing, and tampering with the temporary traffic lights in Runcton, causing delays lasting 7 minutes. Mr Bush was then treated to a sla...