BAE Win Contract To Salvage Costa Concordia - Dirk Van Den Haagen Daaz Reports

Talent - free engineering company, BAE have won the lucrative contract to try and right the stricken Italian liner "Costa Concordia" after a meeting conducted at "Honest" Alf Tonks seafood stall in Selsey, West Sussex. I interviewed Mr Tonks after his afternoon banjo practise and he revealed the details of the deal. "I have never seen so many clipboard wankers in my life" he stated whilst dismembering a crab in preparation for dressing, (£3.99 each, thats value for money). He went on to outline BAEs proposed method for righting the vessel. It seems that Bales will begin to pump out the remaining water and then Marlin Environmental will attend to do the job properly, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. BAE also propose to introduce a paperwork system which will prove difficult to use and will hold up the job by a matter of months, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. They then intend to flood the job with a collection of "managers" who will prove to be ineffectual and terminally dim/ignorant, which is the normal course of events in Portsmouth Dockyard. BAE are also in crisis as they seem unable to prevent their new type 45 destroyers from catching fire but at least this should not be an issue with the Costa Concordia in its present position.