Harry Gladless Laments Over Modern Bognor - Finton Garragher Reports

In an interview conducted tomorrow, Harry "Gladys" Gladless gave his valuable opinions on the state of modern Bognor Regis over a Tregaust sausage banjo and a glass of "Merryweathers apple and nut blunderbuss" a local ale. Mr Gladness, 40 odd, a storeman, sport diver and retired poisoner of Anglo-Saxon descent was clearly angry about several issues concerning the once quaint seaside idyll. "Fuckin' townies and other riff-raff moving into the area, it ain't roight!" he ejaculated, covering me in a mist of ale and saliva. "Even where oi work is full of scousers, brummies and bloody Londoners, there ain't one baarsterd oose Sussex born and bred!" Sadly, Mr Gladless is part of a dying breed whose yokel charms were once popular with tourists from Crawley and other beautiful Sussex towns. Mr Gladless then slipped into a series of monologues describing how local fisherman used to insert various species of marine crustacea into rookie crew-members arseholes for an initiation, and various accounts of violence projected at "townies" using the beach near the pier who complained about the smell of rancid fishing related detrious.