Facebook/Myspace Users Suffer From Imbecile Syndrome - Prof Quatermass Reports

People who use social networking sites are not only under attack from personal security issues but a report published last week suggests they are also under the impression that many computer users with normal levels of intelligence are actually interested in any of the inane rubbish posted on their webpages. Up to 90% of users are losing "real-time" social skills as they spend hour upon hour conducting trivial questionaires which underline how pathetic their real lives have become. Experts predict this is the stepping stone to a "cyber society" where people will rarely interact with each other unless through a portal such as a PC etc. Question, "Do you have a facebook?", answer, (If you are above pondlife intelligence), "No, I have a life and a brain".

Carnage As Suliman The Magnificent Invades Selsey - Ted Maul Reports

Selsey was plunged back into chaos yesterday as Suliman the Magnificent walked into the seaside town at the head of over 3000 Ottoman Turks. Mr Magnificent, once presumed dead, of Central Asian descent almost destroyed the entire force of Osama Bin Ladens rag tag gang of vagabonds, scoundrels and blaggards. The Selsey WI were out in force distributing hot sweet tea, (without milk), which went down rather well with Sulimans rampaging hoarde. Plans are now afoot to refurbish the mosque and re-instate Ali Akbar Rafsanjani as the muezzin, his call to prayer being very popular. Suliman also wants peace restored and the kebab shop rebuilt after a bomb concealed in a bottle of garlic sauce exploded 3 weeks ago leaving the shop staff dazed and smelling like a Frenchman.

The hoardes were hungry after the carnage and "honest" Alf Tonks seafood stall was sold out within minutes. Some calm has now come to this war torn village but fear is the rebels are re-grouping for another attack.

Dean Moulson - When I was A Player - Klaus Willinachter Reports

In an in depth interview conducted some time or other, Dean Moulson revealed in depth information of his life as a player in the Bognor area. Moulson, late 20s, an ex petty crook and plasterer of Saxon/Irish/Scottish descent has made love to incalculable amounts of women in the area over the years and explained his techniques over a bagel and a bottle of icelandic pinot noir. "The way to crack a woman is to shower her with fine wines and Belgian chocolates, it has always worked in the past and still works to this day". Moulson also applies his work ethic to seducing a lucky lady, "plastering a wall is like making love to a beautiful Woman, you have to work over the area first before making sure all cracks are filled". He also provided advice on how a guy should present himself, " I have always found smart shoes and a pair of action slacks with a loose fitting white shirt/medalion combination a winner, in conjunction with a liberal dab of blue stratos, it always sends a lady into a frenzy!".