Carnage As Suliman The Magnificent Invades Selsey - Ted Maul Reports

Selsey was plunged back into chaos yesterday as Suliman the Magnificent walked into the seaside town at the head of over 3000 Ottoman Turks. Mr Magnificent, once presumed dead, of Central Asian descent almost destroyed the entire force of Osama Bin Ladens rag tag gang of vagabonds, scoundrels and blaggards. The Selsey WI were out in force distributing hot sweet tea, (without milk), which went down rather well with Sulimans rampaging hoarde. Plans are now afoot to refurbish the mosque and re-instate Ali Akbar Rafsanjani as the muezzin, his call to prayer being very popular. Suliman also wants peace restored and the kebab shop rebuilt after a bomb concealed in a bottle of garlic sauce exploded 3 weeks ago leaving the shop staff dazed and smelling like a Frenchman.

The hoardes were hungry after the carnage and "honest" Alf Tonks seafood stall was sold out within minutes. Some calm has now come to this war torn village but fear is the rebels are re-grouping for another attack.