Gash

 This week......James Bond.

Inglenook regulars and staff were amazed last week when the despotic president popped into the bar with a host of his “Western Advisors” for a few pints and some light hearted banter. Mr Un, 30 odd, of  North Korean descent often ventures into the sleepy Hamlet of Nyetimber following in the footsteps of Adolf Hitler who loved Rose Green. “I have not had so many laughs since I fired a hand held missile into my Uncles chest whilst he was tied to a tree” he said, wiping beer generated foam from his mouth with his sleeve. He was, alas, unimpressed that the various dogs brought into the establishment by punters were strictly off the menu.   Kim Jong Un "Ah so ! Make mine a print"

With a set consisting of rapid fire gags, sketches and songs, Kim & Jim have filled the vacuum left by the retirement of Griffin & Parker from the local entertainment scene. Inglenook regulars were treated to an impromptu evening of quality entertainment last Friday as the duo unleashed unrehearsed material to a small but appreciative crowd. “I do love a soft stool between my legs” was the opening line from Kim the Viking and after a barrage of one liners, Friday night Jim drew a standing ovation on completion of his self penned “Best pie & mash in London” monologue. Songs included “Twos Company”, “Me & My Shadow” and a new big band arrangement of “The Drugs Don’t Work” by the Verve. After a short interval during which both performers cleaned up their stools and donned sailor uniforms, the crowd was amazed by their rendition of several routines from the Hollywood classic “Anchors Aweigh”. A full tour of Nyetimber is currently being arranged by Finklesteins Entertainme...

Inglenook regulars were stunned last week as "Comrade" Gordon Howbrook broke into his money belt and finally bought a round of drinks. Mr Howbrook, 60 or even 70 odd, of Anglo-Saxon descent is a retired wainwright and part time cordwainer who indulges in many hobbies and pastimes. He was, for a time, a travelling hangman in Spain and when not “Dangling Dagos” he used to earn money rubbing peanut butter into his chest whilst dancing to “Death Trip” by Iggy & The Stooges. He was, unfortunately, asked to leave Peru after an ill fated attempt to sell winklepickers and/or brogues to the Inca. Mr Howbrook has settled in the area after a scandal in Weston Super Mare in which he was accused of menacing Brigantine Nuns with stolen shrimp nets wearing a leopard skin mankini, thigh length leather boots and sporting a poorly made sombrero worn at a jaunty angle. Mr Howbrooks preferred colour for garden furniture upholstery is magenta and his favourite karaoke song is “No Body Does ...

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Vegans are in the spotlight this month not just because they are quite mad but as their diet lacks vital proteins derived from meat. A research paper submitted at some time or other by a certain Prof. Hiterole suggests that Vegans are an evolutionary dead end and will regress to an early Hominid stage akin to Homo Erectus or Homo Heidelbergensis. Prof. Hiterole has named this digressionary species “Homo Veganaris”. Hiterole, 60 odd, of Swiss and Austrian descent claims that the change is already happening. “Just go to a health food shop or Brighton, and you will see hoards of pasty faced and sullen vegans shuffling around with their heads down, gathering any food which does not cast a shadow”.      How "Homo Veganaris" May Look          

 Hey there music lovers ! Today I will be reviewing a once lost classic, originally recorded in 1968, but now finally released after the master tapes were discovered in a skip behind "Honest" Alf Tonks fish and seafood stall in war torn Selsey. The long player in question is "Shades of Peace", a concept album following a mans journey through a post apocalyptic world, occupied by reptillian overlords who have but one weakness, a fear of pastel shades, and exposure to them is fatal. From the opening track "Lavender Lovin", the musical direction is set, an otherworldly blend of psychedelic, folk rock and proto prog rock that the band specialised in during their all too short career. David Smiths voice has a rich and warm timbre, similar to Scott Walker if he was being tea-bagged by Clodagh Rodgers with her mouth full of trebor mints. The rest of side one is an eargasm of the highest order, setting the scene for side two and its inevitable conclusion as pastel...

No one was prepared for the sight of various rare and interesting objects recovered from Pagham duck pond last week as Police divers were called in to search for missing chimney sweep and part time poisoner, Ernest Ratchsmith. Mr Ratchsmith, 50 odd, of Dickensian descent was last seen pushing a small boy up the chimney of the Bear public house as management cost cutting measures continue due to poor attendance. A full list of the objects found has yet to be published but the reader can be furnished with just some of the items recovered; Winifred Atwell’s tuning fork, Peter Lawler's spare BBQ tongs, Excalibur, Thora Hirds reading glasses, a copy of the declaration of independence, Stan Laurels bowler hat, The Famous Fives picnic basket containing lashings of ginger beer, various items of Salvation Army band percussion and the shroud of Turin.   Pagham Duck Pond What madness lurks beneath ?    

Folk from St Ninians church hall were still clearing the debris last night after a jumble sale erupted into full scale ugly violence. The incident occurred after two ladies both staked a claim for a matching snood and poncho. After a garment related tug of war, the two ladies fell onto the floor when the snood finally gave way. One of the ladies, Doris Pickles, 90 odd, of Anglo-Burgundian descent is no stranger to this publication. She was responsible for hiding the Hitler diaries in Rose Green and also providing him with cakes, scones and other assorted sundries during his brief stay there in 1938. The other lady, Florence Delgado, 80 odd, of Spanish and Native American descent has a well documented past of table top sale shenanigans including the theft of a M&S cardigan from a jumble sale in the village hall last Easter. The two feuding pensioners were finally separated by the Rev’d Mark Eminson. They then left but on their way managed to knock over two tables of assorted wooll...

Nyetimber pubs have been treated by the return of wandering punter/thinker/pussers rum enthusiast and one time Al Qaeda member Neil Mellers. When not frequenting the Diogenes club he has been gracing local taverns offering his own brand of wit, dits and repartee. Mr Mellers, 50 odd, of Maltese, Anglo– Norman and Scandinavian descent is an authority on telegraph pole serial number sequences and his favourite colour is magenta. Over the next few issues there will be extracts from an exclusive interview conducted with him at some time or other. He will, for the first time, reveal exactly how he sabotaged the temporary traffic lights at Runcton which caused delays of up to 6 minutes, and how he became an expert at identifying different breeds of dog by analysing their stool samples.   Neil Mellers Gags, Dits & Shits First Published 2016  

 Batty/Incompetent/Annoying Labour MP has sparked controversy by labelling the new but unnecessary Pagham CO-OP as racist. “I carried out a local survey of 50 people and all 65 of them agreed with me” she stated after an informal visit to the Selsey Mosque. Abbot, 60 odd, of Jamaican and left wing descent visited Pagham last week as she had nothing else to do with her time.“When I think of the money spent on this project, which I have on good authority is several billion dollars it is inconceivable that no infrastructure was put in place for the employment of ethnic minorities, I mean, 5 out of every 4 people working there are white”. After being informed that very few Black and Asian folk live in the area she Responded by saying; “That is what is wrong with the UK as a whole, white people should be able to stand up and say I am black and I am proud!".   Diane Abbot  Imbecile  First published 2017

   Thursday night regulars were left shocked and saddened after popular attendee Terence Hicks failed to join his friends after a drink fuelled extravaganza the previous day. Mr Hicks, 70 odd, of Saxon, Dutch and German descent went on a charabanc trip to Winchester partaking refreshment in various pubs and hostelry’s before repairing to the Inglenook with the intent of no more than a supper of cold mutton and a flagon of mead. This, however, proved not to be the case as the ambience combined with excellent company extended the evening way beyond his capabilities. At one stage Mr Hicks confided in the editor stating that he was even prepared to delay a dental appointment in order to put in a Thursday night shift. The editor was pained to receive a telegram at 19:14 from Mr Hicks explaining he would be absent owing to the fact that he was in “a terrible condition".       Terence Hicks     Likes a pint and a   supper of cold mutton     Ori...