Gash

 Before the bank bosses realised that the only job she could do without lying and/or constant supervision was tea lady to the customer service department, Reeves took an entrance exam to work in the central office. After an FOI request and a large brown envelope filled with cash, we can reveal some of the questions and answers. 1. Regarding logic in real world situations, such as a light being either on or off, suggest some other options that satisfy this axiom. Reeves answer, "Fish and chips" 2. Where is the World Economic Forum Located ? Reeves answer, "Croydon" 3. Solve x² + 5x + 6 = 0 Reeves answer "Lots"  Reeves "Liar Liar Pants on fire !"

 This week - Jesus of Nazereth The twix of Christ

 Now that the saucy TV presenter has found herself single again, Kate Garraway is wasting no time getting back on the "dating" scene. Garraway, 57, of Anglo - Norman descent has always liked a bit of "horizontal entertainment" and is now looking to make up for lost time. "Lets face it, its been nearly five years since I was last rogered senseless", (I find that hard to believe), "I am not looking for long term bullshit, just guys that are young, dumb and full of cum". It is rumoured that she may be joining Carol Vorderman for a night out soon. "I love going out on the piss with Carol", quoth Kate, "she has more studs on tap than she can deal with, I bet I will find it hard to walk on Sunday morning, I am feeling that fucking horny!".   Kate Garraway "Aching for hard cock"

 Oh, what a surprise for the merry minglers last eve, as the delightful conjurer of curious chatter, Professor Stanley Unwin, waltzed in for a whimsical pint! In a cacophony of giggles, whimsical tales, soliloquies, and charming yarns, Prof Unwin enchanted the crowd, earning a thunderous symphony of applause. Alas, he dabbled in the arts anew, leaving the folks agog as he unsheathed his tweed breeches, unveiling a trio of wriggly hamsters from his trusty Asus portal! Professor Unwin "Gladlymost many thankfulness"

 It seems that reports of the notorious serial killers death in 2020 may be premature and, alas, incorrect. Sutcliffe, 79, of Yorkshire descent, was seen in the Inglenook Hotel, slaking his thirst with a variety of real ales, (all top quality and well kept). This sighting has, of course, shocked the sex industry workers of both Nyetimber and Pagham. One local hooker known as "Shazza" was keen to vent her dismay at the situation, "I have lost a whole nights earnings because of that bastard, one minute I was twirling my fake leopard skin handbag whilst standing provocatively outside the Bear car park, next thing I knew all the other girls staggered past me telling me to get off the streets as it was no longer safe". Top local Pimp "Smooth Daddy Kong" also gave us his opinion, "Yo Dude, hows ma hoes gonna turn tricks with this Mutha hanging on ma track!".   Peter Sutcliffe "Its Hammer Time"

 Oi Vay, my life already ! A timetable has been leaked to me by my tailor who lives near the Rama Dama Ding Dong school for Muslim children, its sobering reading already. Monday 07:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 08:00 AK47 Strip, clean, load and fire into the air shouting "death to the infidel!" 09:30 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 10:00 Breaktime (Girls to silently remain in the classrooms, out of sight) 10:30 Boys to IED theory, girls to Hijab making class 12:00 Dinner time (girls to serve boys in strict silence) 13:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 14:00 Boys to UK benefit claims class, girls to IED vest making class 15:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence)   15:30 Hometime (girls to leave 20 mins after boys and in strict silence)

 Hey music lovers! Today, we look at an early 60s masterpiece, cruelly overlooked today but worth many spins now, and perhaps later also. The album in question is "Huckin' Around", by the English 4 piece combo, "Terence Hicks & The Hucksters". Its Rock n Roll mayhem right from the start with Terence and his band "Friday Night" Jim on bass guitar, Neil "Paddy" Mellers on drums, and, yet to form his own surf rock band, Steve Silverson on acoustic and rhythm guitars. There is a nod to the past with tracks like "Huckin' In The Back Seat" and "Huckin' At The Hop", but with the proto punk classic, "Don't Give A Huck", and the controversial lyrics of "Lets All Get Hucked", the Hucksters were on their way to stardom until internal arguments ripped the band apart. "Friday Night" Jim left to run a pie & mash shop, "Paddy " Mellers became more influenced by jazz and progress...

 This week... Korean Lunatic, Kim Jong Un  Kim Jong Un "Eat Twix or die!"

 In order to clarify to people who have the temerity to question the globalist, left wing agenda that the government and the MSM insist you follow, I have decided to spend a day with an "English", far right family. The Brown family (most likely from the fascist "Brauns" of Nazi Germany), seem very ordinary, but let's dig deeper. At breakfast, Valerie Brown serves the two children Thomas, 10, and Emily, 8, toast, orange juice and ready brek as she states, "we work hard to put food on the table, the school breakfast club is for more unfortunate children". A very "white" attitude if you ask me. Valerie runs a country nursery whilst her husband Colin is an architect. I asked if he works from home, "no" said Valerie, "he enjoys going into the office and working with his colleagues ". Typical far right behaviour, he wants to mix socially, most likely without wearing a mask, spreading viruses and talking about free speech.       ...

 Yes please and hello. I was finding myself in Selsey last week for the opening of this fine example of real Indian cuisine, "Ghandi's Revenge". I was pleased to be looked after by the head chef, Jeham Jhar, whose most pleasant idea it was to bring a true taste of India to the wretched people of the war torn town. It was just like being at home when he opened the kitchen door and a swarm of flies surrounded us which was most pleasing. Before eating, I was presented with tea that tasted like it was made with water from the Jhelum river. Both courses were served on nearly but almost clean thalis, again accompanied by many flies. The mutton bhuna, even though it was hotter than a night with a Bollywood whore, seemed to be moving, just as my mother used to make it. More authenticity was added by the sensation of many rats and cockroaches scurrying and crawling over the filth ridden floor, a real Indian experience in a jiffy ! I urge you to go local peoples, just be sure to bo...

 Popular, and one could say, classic sitcom "Never the Twain", is to be relaunched soon on DW TV with a different cast and a slightly different premise, but the gags are sure to raise titters, chortles and guffaws just as the original once did. The original show featured Donald Sinden and Windsor Davies as rival antiques dealers and ex business partners who were also next door neighbours. In this reboot, penned by top gag man and script writer, Paddy Mellers, it features two senior residents of a retirement complex who live one above the other and rarely see eye to eye with hilarious consequences for all involved. The part once played by Windsor Davies has been given to John Devereaux, 69, of Hugenot descent, an ex actor and producer of Argentinian film and TV dramas such as "Ayuda Madre Mi Aro Esta Encendido", and "La Pasión del nabo". The part played by Donald Sinden goes to "Honest" Al Parker, 70 odd, of Anglo-Flemish descent, a chuck wagon ow...