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 This week - Jesus of Nazereth

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Al Queda Attack On Selsey Now Imminent - Prof Bernard Quatermass Reports

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Selsey was put on a state of high alert last night as intelligence suggested that Al Queda terrorists are ready to launch an attack on this backwards Sussex town populated by in-breds and other assorted scum and riff-raff. The local home guard have been re-called after being stood down in 1945. Public unrest has broken out after the kebab shop was torched last night and the owners taunted, mocked and shunned. Osama Bin-Laden himself is rumored to be leading the attack himself as the kebab shop owner is a member of his tribe. Selsey locals have been expecting the backlash since the kebab shop incident. “The pitta bread was always soggy and the chilli sauce had no real punch, also the salad was bogging.” quoted Kelvin Undermanager this morning. “My brother who is also my Father was shitting conkers after scuppering a large mixed kofte last Friday”.
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New James Bond Announcement Imminent - Percy Dovetonsils Reports

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For fans of the James Bond talkie franchise, the wait is nearly over for the announcement of the new actor to take on the role of 007. The front runner is none other than local man Terry Hicks. Mr Hicks, 80 odd, a retired handyman of Anglo Scandinavian descent has been chosen as he possesses all the required accoutrements to take the secret agent into this decade. He has had some acting experience. He took on the challenging role of the innkeeper for his Sunday School nativity play in 1946 and made an appearance in the TV show “Queer as Folk” in which he played one of the folk. With his athletic frame and distinctive voice, he is sure to rank as highly as George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton.     James Bond "The name is Hicks, Terence Hicks"  
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Satan - The Real Reason I Left Heaven - The Rabbi Jacob Carnoustie Reports

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 In an interview conducted some time or other, Satan finally broke his silence on those last days in heaven, before the mother of all punch ups with St Michael led him to be cast into the abyss for a thousand years. Satan, below, his face obscured so as to hide his identity, seemed despondent during the interview and at times, rather cross. "I was playing Ludo with the Archangel Michael and I threw three sixes on the trot. He called me a "six throwing bastard", so I upped the table scattering the pieces everywhere. "I was winning that game!" he shouted and said I now owed him 50 bucks!" That disputed game of ludo then deveploped into a scuffle that eventually became a full blown punch up in the heavenly car park culminating in Satan and his cohorts being banished from the heavens for eternity. Quoth Satan at the interviews conclusion, "That Bastard Michael would also cheat at monopoly, and he always seemed to have the staff car card if we were playing...
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