Gash

 In an interview conducted some time or other, Satan finally broke his silence on those last days in heaven, before the mother of all punch ups with St Michael led him to be cast into the abyss for a thousand years. Satan, below, his face obscured so as to hide his identity, seemed despondent during the interview and at times, rather cross. "I was playing Ludo with the Archangel Michael and I threw three sixes on the trot. He called me a "six throwing bastard", so I upped the table scattering the pieces everywhere. "I was winning that game!" he shouted and said I now owed him 50 bucks!" That disputed game of ludo then deveploped into a scuffle that eventually became a full blown punch up in the heavenly car park culminating in Satan and his cohorts being banished from the heavens for eternity. Quoth Satan at the interviews conclusion, "That Bastard Michael would also cheat at monopoly, and he always seemed to have the staff car card if we were playing...

 The face of Christ on a slice of toast ? Old news now, as a sensational discovery was made last week by a punter who dropped into "Honest Al's" chuck wagon for a cuppa and a toasted bacon and sausage banjo with a suggestion of brown sauce. Isadore Crabbe, 43, a tosher of Anglo-Jewish descent was about to tuck into his butty when he noticed the uncanny likeness of the 20th century crooner on the top slice. "I have been telling "Honest" Al to ditch that toaster for years now, its fucking gash !" he said before taking a mighty draft of tea from his polystyrene cup. Controversy surrounds the depiction though, as it shows Jolson apparantly "blacked up" as most people remember him. "Whats next", continued Crabbe, "He burns every slice in a white loaf and says its the fucking black and white minstrel show in toast form". Al Jolson "Mammy, I'm a Sambo!"

 This Week...his Holiness, the Dalai Lama. "Chocolate bar is Rubbery"

Inglenook regulars are being asked not to visit a retired Gentleman, resplendent in 12th century knights attire, who resides in a cave surrounded by flaming torches, cups, goblets and various other drinking vessels of which one may be the fabled Holy Grail. The temptation of eternal life may be overwhelming but in the words of the Grail Knight, “choose wisely, for as the true Grail will give you life, the false Grail will take it from you”. Walter Donovan, 50 odd, of Irish descent, an American professor of history and a Nazi sympathiser came a cropper after drinking water gathered from a font in a rather ostentatious golden goblet that was in effect a false Grail. Within moments his body aged at a relentless pace and thither turned to dust , “He chose poorly”, quoth the Grail Knight.             Jim the Map Or the Grail Knight ?   "Choose Wisely"  First Published 2017

Catering staff at Manor nurseries breathed a sigh of relief  Friday as John Burley finally stopped eating during Mike Stevens birthday celebrations. After scuppering vast quantities of Christmas related food, including scraps left on other punters plates, Mr Burley, 60 odd, of   Anglo-Irish descent, then left the establishment with a view to consuming the entire contents of the Stevens larder and slaking his rapacious thirst with fine wines from their comprehensively stocked cellar. In his spare time Mr Burley collects impossible to iron shirts and has an unnatural fixation with clean towels and bathroom matting. He is an authority on Ming dynasty soup bowls, collects various brands of bleach and his favourite shade of pink is Amaranth.    John Burley Professional Glutton First Published 2016    

The government may now require to extend our working careers and suggest that opportunities are available but this has not been the case for popular new Inglenook regular Kim Ruffell. He has submitted many applications for work in various fields of industry but, thus far, has been turned down at every juncture. Mr Ruffell, 60 odd, of Scandinavian descent has many skills to offer the modern world. He has accrued an extensive experience of the service industry and is a dab hand when it comes to all things electrical. Just recently he has demolished vast swathes of his house as part of an undergoing refurbishment. In his spare time Mr Ruffell collects vintage mandolin strings and is an expert in the history of the “Hokey cokey”. He is also a casual clothing enthusiast and his favourite pastel shading technique is “frottage”.          Kim Ruffell     "Gis a job!"   Published in 2017         ...

Spectrum was most certainly not green for Captain Scarlet and cloudbase yesterday as files were released inferring that a culture of “lewd behaviour” existed in the year 2068. Scarlet, real name Paul Metcalf, was always, allegedly, looking for “no strings” relationships with the Destiny angels. “A full investigation is underway” said Colonel White the cloudbase Commander, “This behaviour will not be tolerated, any Spectrum member found guilty will find themselves in hot water”. It seems that Scarlet was obsessed with Rhapsody angel but the relationship was strained due to work commitments. “I know he took his work seriously and the constant Mysteron threat put him under great pressure but indestructible or not I got sick of him shouting "Wahey! fancy a bunk up you fucking slag! and slapping my arse” She said to me during a telephone interview conducted sometime or other. Rhapsody, real name Dianne Simms was public school educated and took degrees in law and sociology before join...

  “ Right Said Frank”    “The Jimmy Maddox Experience”    "Fredwestlife"  “The Crazy World Of Gordon Brown”     “ Poxy Music"     "Earth, Wind, For Hire"  “Blobbie Williams”   “Pike & Tina Tuna”      “Ziggy Sawdust” “John Cougar Concentration Camp”          "Surely Bassey"      "Phoney M"  "Amy Housewine"     "Nudist Priest"     "Antarctic Monkeys"  

 Hey music lovers ! How is it going also. Today, I venture into the world of surf rock, hanging ten in the green room, listening to the mid sixties long player, "Waikiki Surf Shack Beach Party Bust Out" by the ledgendary Steve Silverson and the silver surfers. This is a recording which completly encapsulates the 60s surf scene with ten great songs to tap your toes to. With his trademark jingly jangly guitar sound, Silverson was unique in that not only could he play guitar, he was no Hodad ! the man was a radical surfer. He rode the nose real well and was known as one of the greatest hot doggers of the generation. I urge you to obtain this recording, play it loud and imagine the smell of the board wax whilst you are shooting tubes in the islands, "Cowabunga!" Steve Silverson "Get your toes on the nose!"  

 Due to the economic ineptitude of the current parasite who resides in 11 Downing street at the taxpayers expense, the PM has hired part silicone model/whore, Katie Price, as a financial adviser to the Chancellor. Price is an expert in the field of bankruptcy and pissing £40 million away so she should fit in nicely with Rachel Reeves rag tag band of overpaid, underqualified imbeciles. Quoth the PM, "I know she has seen more Japs eyes than a Nissan wing mirror, buts lets be honest, She cannot do any worse than the idiot I lumbered the country with". Price is training for her new role with her son Harvey teaching her arithmatic, thats when he has finished bouncing around the house in a crazed stupor. Price, 40 odd, of Italian, Spanish, English and Jewish descent was born in Brighton which just about expains everything. At the time of publication, Reeves was unavailable for comment. Price Looks like a  Jack the Ripper Victim

 Lock up your daughters folks. A Viking hoard has infiltrated the village with intentions of burning, looting, raping and shooting. One of these heathens has managed to worm his way into the Inglenook referring himself as "Frankie". We can reveal his real name as "Thorson the Long" from Iceland. His speciality is laying waste to vast tracts of land, torturing Monks and sacrificing virgins to Odin. Only last week he was boasting of drinking and wenching his way through Chichester after consuming vast quantities of ale and mead. These are troubled times indeed. Thorson the Long Heathen Lunatic

 This Week....Lieutenant Theo Kojak, NYPD

Inglenook regulars, staff and Monday night sausage club members are still reeling over the events of February the 18th, an evening set to become folklore. It started as any sausage club night with various members criticising not only the cooking methods but the sausage casing quality and ingredients thereof.   This casual banter was, however, interrupted when Neil Mellers entered the establishment after witnessing a typical Chelsea defeat at the Bear, an inferior pub a short distance away. Mr Mellers, 56, of Anglo Maltese descent seemed to be in an advanced stage of refreshment and after two pints of London Pride had the temerity to take an uncut sausage from the grill and place the entire snorker into his mouth. A savage berating then began but Mr Mellers seemed oblivious to this unparalleled act of sheer folly. Casual observers sat open mouthed offering gasps of sheer disbelief. Whether Mr Mellers will be welcomed back at another juncture is yet to be decided.   Mr Neil Me...

For fans of the James Bond talkie franchise, the wait is nearly over for the announcement of the new actor to take on the role of 007. The front runner is none other than local man Terry Hicks. Mr Hicks, 80 odd, a retired handyman of Anglo Scandinavian descent has been chosen as he possesses all the required accoutrements to take the secret agent into this decade. He has had some acting experience. He took on the challenging role of the innkeeper for his Sunday School nativity play in 1946 and made an appearance in the TV show “Queer as Folk” in which he played one of the folk. With his athletic frame and distinctive voice, he is sure to rank as highly as George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton.     James Bond "The name is Hicks, Terence Hicks"  

 Today, I have another classic on my turntable also. The unforgetable "Songs for Gay Dogs" by Paddy Roberts, a pseudonym used by the country crooner, John Deveraux. Here we have 12 songs straight from the heart, tales of canine rejection and heart wrenching tunes from the little understood world of fruity furry friends. From the opening steel guitar infused "Where else am I to put it", to the closing track "The Bichon Frise was on his knees", this is a long player right up there with Joe Dolces greatest hits and Fred & Rosemary Wests Christmas album. Deverauxs voice is rich and soothing, the vocal equivalent of being bathed by Hattie Jacques sporting a Rolf Harris mask wearing chain mail evening gloves, whilst immersed in a bath of swarfega. I urge you to buy this album, 10% of every unit sold goes to world wide gay dog charities. Paddy Roberts "Like a dog, woof woof"

 This week......James Bond.

Inglenook regulars and staff were amazed last week when the despotic president popped into the bar with a host of his “Western Advisors” for a few pints and some light hearted banter. Mr Un, 30 odd, of  North Korean descent often ventures into the sleepy Hamlet of Nyetimber following in the footsteps of Adolf Hitler who loved Rose Green. “I have not had so many laughs since I fired a hand held missile into my Uncles chest whilst he was tied to a tree” he said, wiping beer generated foam from his mouth with his sleeve. He was, alas, unimpressed that the various dogs brought into the establishment by punters were strictly off the menu.   Kim Jong Un "Ah so ! Make mine a print"

With a set consisting of rapid fire gags, sketches and songs, Kim & Jim have filled the vacuum left by the retirement of Griffin & Parker from the local entertainment scene. Inglenook regulars were treated to an impromptu evening of quality entertainment last Friday as the duo unleashed unrehearsed material to a small but appreciative crowd. “I do love a soft stool between my legs” was the opening line from Kim the Viking and after a barrage of one liners, Friday night Jim drew a standing ovation on completion of his self penned “Best pie & mash in London” monologue. Songs included “Twos Company”, “Me & My Shadow” and a new big band arrangement of “The Drugs Don’t Work” by the Verve. After a short interval during which both performers cleaned up their stools and donned sailor uniforms, the crowd was amazed by their rendition of several routines from the Hollywood classic “Anchors Aweigh”. A full tour of Nyetimber is currently being arranged by Finklesteins Entertainme...

Inglenook regulars were stunned last week as "Comrade" Gordon Howbrook broke into his money belt and finally bought a round of drinks. Mr Howbrook, 60 or even 70 odd, of Anglo-Saxon descent is a retired wainwright and part time cordwainer who indulges in many hobbies and pastimes. He was, for a time, a travelling hangman in Spain and when not “Dangling Dagos” he used to earn money rubbing peanut butter into his chest whilst dancing to “Death Trip” by Iggy & The Stooges. He was, unfortunately, asked to leave Peru after an ill fated attempt to sell winklepickers and/or brogues to the Inca. Mr Howbrook has settled in the area after a scandal in Weston Super Mare in which he was accused of menacing Brigantine Nuns with stolen shrimp nets wearing a leopard skin mankini, thigh length leather boots and sporting a poorly made sombrero worn at a jaunty angle. Mr Howbrooks preferred colour for garden furniture upholstery is magenta and his favourite karaoke song is “No Body Does ...