Celebrity Twix Fan Of The Week

 This Week....Lieutenant Theo Kojak, NYPD



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New James Bond Announcement Imminent - Percy Dovetonsils Reports

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For fans of the James Bond talkie franchise, the wait is nearly over for the announcement of the new actor to take on the role of 007. The front runner is none other than local man Terry Hicks. Mr Hicks, 80 odd, a retired handyman of Anglo Scandinavian descent has been chosen as he possesses all the required accoutrements to take the secret agent into this decade. He has had some acting experience. He took on the challenging role of the innkeeper for his Sunday School nativity play in 1946 and made an appearance in the TV show “Queer as Folk” in which he played one of the folk. With his athletic frame and distinctive voice, he is sure to rank as highly as George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton.     James Bond "The name is Hicks, Terence Hicks"  
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Attempt To Satisfy John Burleys Appetite Ends In Failure - Dirk Van Den Haagen Daaz Reports

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Catering staff at Manor nurseries breathed a sigh of relief  Friday as John Burley finally stopped eating during Mike Stevens birthday celebrations. After scuppering vast quantities of Christmas related food, including scraps left on other punters plates, Mr Burley, 60 odd, of   Anglo-Irish descent, then left the establishment with a view to consuming the entire contents of the Stevens larder and slaking his rapacious thirst with fine wines from their comprehensively stocked cellar. In his spare time Mr Burley collects impossible to iron shirts and has an unnatural fixation with clean towels and bathroom matting. He is an authority on Ming dynasty soup bowls, collects various brands of bleach and his favourite shade of pink is Amaranth.    John Burley Professional Glutton First Published 2016    
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Satan - The Real Reason I Left Heaven - The Rabbi Jacob Carnoustie Reports

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 In an interview conducted some time or other, Satan finally broke his silence on those last days in heaven, before the mother of all punch ups with St Michael led him to be cast into the abyss for a thousand years. Satan, below, his face obscured so as to hide his identity, seemed despondent during the interview and at times, rather cross. "I was playing Ludo with the Archangel Michael and I threw three sixes on the trot. He called me a "six throwing bastard", so I upped the table scattering the pieces everywhere. "I was winning that game!" he shouted and said I now owed him 50 bucks!" That disputed game of ludo then deveploped into a scuffle that eventually became a full blown punch up in the heavenly car park culminating in Satan and his cohorts being banished from the heavens for eternity. Quoth Satan at the interviews conclusion, "That Bastard Michael would also cheat at monopoly, and he always seemed to have the staff car card if we were playing...
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