Gash

 Late night drinkers were surprised last night when top Scottish pop troubadours, the Proclaimers popped into the Lion for "a wee pint of heavy" and a large grouse. After receiving a "letter from America", the duo walked 500 miles and then 500 more just to visit the Hamlet of Nyetimber. They truly are the "King's of the Road". The Proclaimers  "I'm on my way"

 Before the bank bosses realised that the only job she could do without lying and/or constant supervision was tea lady to the customer service department, Reeves took an entrance exam to work in the central office. After an FOI request and a large brown envelope filled with cash, we can reveal some of the questions and answers. 1. Regarding logic in real world situations, such as a light being either on or off, suggest some other options that satisfy this axiom. Reeves answer, "Fish and chips" 2. Where is the World Economic Forum Located ? Reeves answer, "Croydon" 3. Solve x² + 5x + 6 = 0 Reeves answer "Lots"  Reeves "Liar Liar Pants on fire !"

 This week - Jesus of Nazereth The twix of Christ

 Now that the saucy TV presenter has found herself single again, Kate Garraway is wasting no time getting back on the "dating" scene. Garraway, 57, of Anglo - Norman descent has always liked a bit of "horizontal entertainment" and is now looking to make up for lost time. "Lets face it, its been nearly five years since I was last rogered senseless", (I find that hard to believe), "I am not looking for long term bullshit, just guys that are young, dumb and full of cum". It is rumoured that she may be joining Carol Vorderman for a night out soon. "I love going out on the piss with Carol", quoth Kate, "she has more studs on tap than she can deal with, I bet I will find it hard to walk on Sunday morning, I am feeling that fucking horny!".   Kate Garraway "Aching for hard cock"

 Oh, what a surprise for the merry minglers last eve, as the delightful conjurer of curious chatter, Professor Stanley Unwin, waltzed in for a whimsical pint! In a cacophony of giggles, whimsical tales, soliloquies, and charming yarns, Prof Unwin enchanted the crowd, earning a thunderous symphony of applause. Alas, he dabbled in the arts anew, leaving the folks agog as he unsheathed his tweed breeches, unveiling a trio of wriggly hamsters from his trusty Asus portal! Professor Unwin "Gladlymost many thankfulness"

 It seems that reports of the notorious serial killers death in 2020 may be premature and, alas, incorrect. Sutcliffe, 79, of Yorkshire descent, was seen in the Inglenook Hotel, slaking his thirst with a variety of real ales, (all top quality and well kept). This sighting has, of course, shocked the sex industry workers of both Nyetimber and Pagham. One local hooker known as "Shazza" was keen to vent her dismay at the situation, "I have lost a whole nights earnings because of that bastard, one minute I was twirling my fake leopard skin handbag whilst standing provocatively outside the Bear car park, next thing I knew all the other girls staggered past me telling me to get off the streets as it was no longer safe". Top local Pimp "Smooth Daddy Kong" also gave us his opinion, "Yo Dude, hows ma hoes gonna turn tricks with this Mutha hanging on ma track!".   Peter Sutcliffe "Its Hammer Time"

 Oi Vay, my life already ! A timetable has been leaked to me by my tailor who lives near the Rama Dama Ding Dong school for Muslim children, its sobering reading already. Monday 07:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 08:00 AK47 Strip, clean, load and fire into the air shouting "death to the infidel!" 09:30 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 10:00 Breaktime (Girls to silently remain in the classrooms, out of sight) 10:30 Boys to IED theory, girls to Hijab making class 12:00 Dinner time (girls to serve boys in strict silence) 13:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence) 14:00 Boys to UK benefit claims class, girls to IED vest making class 15:00 Prayers (girls to observe in strict silence)   15:30 Hometime (girls to leave 20 mins after boys and in strict silence)

 Hey music lovers! Today, we look at an early 60s masterpiece, cruelly overlooked today but worth many spins now, and perhaps later also. The album in question is "Huckin' Around", by the English 4 piece combo, "Terence Hicks & The Hucksters". Its Rock n Roll mayhem right from the start with Terence and his band "Friday Night" Jim on bass guitar, Neil "Paddy" Mellers on drums, and, yet to form his own surf rock band, Steve Silverson on acoustic and rhythm guitars. There is a nod to the past with tracks like "Huckin' In The Back Seat" and "Huckin' At The Hop", but with the proto punk classic, "Don't Give A Huck", and the controversial lyrics of "Lets All Get Hucked", the Hucksters were on their way to stardom until internal arguments ripped the band apart. "Friday Night" Jim left to run a pie & mash shop, "Paddy " Mellers became more influenced by jazz and progress...

 This week... Korean Lunatic, Kim Jong Un  Kim Jong Un "Eat Twix or die!"

 In order to clarify to people who have the temerity to question the globalist, left wing agenda that the government and the MSM insist you follow, I have decided to spend a day with an "English", far right family. The Brown family (most likely from the fascist "Brauns" of Nazi Germany), seem very ordinary, but let's dig deeper. At breakfast, Valerie Brown serves the two children Thomas, 10, and Emily, 8, toast, orange juice and ready brek as she states, "we work hard to put food on the table, the school breakfast club is for more unfortunate children". A very "white" attitude if you ask me. Valerie runs a country nursery whilst her husband Colin is an architect. I asked if he works from home, "no" said Valerie, "he enjoys going into the office and working with his colleagues ". Typical far right behaviour, he wants to mix socially, most likely without wearing a mask, spreading viruses and talking about free speech.       ...

 Yes please and hello. I was finding myself in Selsey last week for the opening of this fine example of real Indian cuisine, "Ghandi's Revenge". I was pleased to be looked after by the head chef, Jeham Jhar, whose most pleasant idea it was to bring a true taste of India to the wretched people of the war torn town. It was just like being at home when he opened the kitchen door and a swarm of flies surrounded us which was most pleasing. Before eating, I was presented with tea that tasted like it was made with water from the Jhelum river. Both courses were served on nearly but almost clean thalis, again accompanied by many flies. The mutton bhuna, even though it was hotter than a night with a Bollywood whore, seemed to be moving, just as my mother used to make it. More authenticity was added by the sensation of many rats and cockroaches scurrying and crawling over the filth ridden floor, a real Indian experience in a jiffy ! I urge you to go local peoples, just be sure to bo...

 Popular, and one could say, classic sitcom "Never the Twain", is to be relaunched soon on DW TV with a different cast and a slightly different premise, but the gags are sure to raise titters, chortles and guffaws just as the original once did. The original show featured Donald Sinden and Windsor Davies as rival antiques dealers and ex business partners who were also next door neighbours. In this reboot, penned by top gag man and script writer, Paddy Mellers, it features two senior residents of a retirement complex who live one above the other and rarely see eye to eye with hilarious consequences for all involved. The part once played by Windsor Davies has been given to John Devereaux, 69, of Hugenot descent, an ex actor and producer of Argentinian film and TV dramas such as "Ayuda Madre Mi Aro Esta Encendido", and "La Pasión del nabo". The part played by Donald Sinden goes to "Honest" Al Parker, 70 odd, of Anglo-Flemish descent, a chuck wagon ow...

 In an interview conducted some time or other, Satan finally broke his silence on those last days in heaven, before the mother of all punch ups with St Michael led him to be cast into the abyss for a thousand years. Satan, below, his face obscured so as to hide his identity, seemed despondent during the interview and at times, rather cross. "I was playing Ludo with the Archangel Michael and I threw three sixes on the trot. He called me a "six throwing bastard", so I upped the table scattering the pieces everywhere. "I was winning that game!" he shouted and said I now owed him 50 bucks!" That disputed game of ludo then deveploped into a scuffle that eventually became a full blown punch up in the heavenly car park culminating in Satan and his cohorts being banished from the heavens for eternity. Quoth Satan at the interviews conclusion, "That Bastard Michael would also cheat at monopoly, and he always seemed to have the staff car card if we were playing...

 The face of Christ on a slice of toast ? Old news now, as a sensational discovery was made last week by a punter who dropped into "Honest Al's" chuck wagon for a cuppa and a toasted bacon and sausage banjo with a suggestion of brown sauce. Isadore Crabbe, 43, a tosher of Anglo-Jewish descent was about to tuck into his butty when he noticed the uncanny likeness of the 20th century crooner on the top slice. "I have been telling "Honest" Al to ditch that toaster for years now, its fucking gash !" he said before taking a mighty draft of tea from his polystyrene cup. Controversy surrounds the depiction though, as it shows Jolson apparantly "blacked up" as most people remember him. "Whats next", continued Crabbe, "He burns every slice in a white loaf and says its the fucking black and white minstrel show in toast form". Al Jolson "Mammy, I'm a Sambo!"

 This Week...his Holiness, the Dalai Lama. "Chocolate bar is Rubbery"

Inglenook regulars are being asked not to visit a retired Gentleman, resplendent in 12th century knights attire, who resides in a cave surrounded by flaming torches, cups, goblets and various other drinking vessels of which one may be the fabled Holy Grail. The temptation of eternal life may be overwhelming but in the words of the Grail Knight, “choose wisely, for as the true Grail will give you life, the false Grail will take it from you”. Walter Donovan, 50 odd, of Irish descent, an American professor of history and a Nazi sympathiser came a cropper after drinking water gathered from a font in a rather ostentatious golden goblet that was in effect a false Grail. Within moments his body aged at a relentless pace and thither turned to dust , “He chose poorly”, quoth the Grail Knight.             Jim the Map Or the Grail Knight ?   "Choose Wisely"  First Published 2017

Catering staff at Manor nurseries breathed a sigh of relief  Friday as John Burley finally stopped eating during Mike Stevens birthday celebrations. After scuppering vast quantities of Christmas related food, including scraps left on other punters plates, Mr Burley, 60 odd, of   Anglo-Irish descent, then left the establishment with a view to consuming the entire contents of the Stevens larder and slaking his rapacious thirst with fine wines from their comprehensively stocked cellar. In his spare time Mr Burley collects impossible to iron shirts and has an unnatural fixation with clean towels and bathroom matting. He is an authority on Ming dynasty soup bowls, collects various brands of bleach and his favourite shade of pink is Amaranth.    John Burley Professional Glutton First Published 2016    

The government may now require to extend our working careers and suggest that opportunities are available but this has not been the case for popular new Inglenook regular Kim Ruffell. He has submitted many applications for work in various fields of industry but, thus far, has been turned down at every juncture. Mr Ruffell, 60 odd, of Scandinavian descent has many skills to offer the modern world. He has accrued an extensive experience of the service industry and is a dab hand when it comes to all things electrical. Just recently he has demolished vast swathes of his house as part of an undergoing refurbishment. In his spare time Mr Ruffell collects vintage mandolin strings and is an expert in the history of the “Hokey cokey”. He is also a casual clothing enthusiast and his favourite pastel shading technique is “frottage”.          Kim Ruffell     "Gis a job!"   Published in 2017         ...

Spectrum was most certainly not green for Captain Scarlet and cloudbase yesterday as files were released inferring that a culture of “lewd behaviour” existed in the year 2068. Scarlet, real name Paul Metcalf, was always, allegedly, looking for “no strings” relationships with the Destiny angels. “A full investigation is underway” said Colonel White the cloudbase Commander, “This behaviour will not be tolerated, any Spectrum member found guilty will find themselves in hot water”. It seems that Scarlet was obsessed with Rhapsody angel but the relationship was strained due to work commitments. “I know he took his work seriously and the constant Mysteron threat put him under great pressure but indestructible or not I got sick of him shouting "Wahey! fancy a bunk up you fucking slag! and slapping my arse” She said to me during a telephone interview conducted sometime or other. Rhapsody, real name Dianne Simms was public school educated and took degrees in law and sociology before join...

  “ Right Said Frank”    “The Jimmy Maddox Experience”    "Fredwestlife"  “The Crazy World Of Gordon Brown”     “ Poxy Music"     "Earth, Wind, For Hire"  “Blobbie Williams”   “Pike & Tina Tuna”      “Ziggy Sawdust” “John Cougar Concentration Camp”          "Surely Bassey"      "Phoney M"  "Amy Housewine"     "Nudist Priest"     "Antarctic Monkeys"  

 Hey music lovers ! How is it going also. Today, I venture into the world of surf rock, hanging ten in the green room, listening to the mid sixties long player, "Waikiki Surf Shack Beach Party Bust Out" by the ledgendary Steve Silverson and the silver surfers. This is a recording which completly encapsulates the 60s surf scene with ten great songs to tap your toes to. With his trademark jingly jangly guitar sound, Silverson was unique in that not only could he play guitar, he was no Hodad ! the man was a radical surfer. He rode the nose real well and was known as one of the greatest hot doggers of the generation. I urge you to obtain this recording, play it loud and imagine the smell of the board wax whilst you are shooting tubes in the islands, "Cowabunga!" Steve Silverson "Get your toes on the nose!"  

 Due to the economic ineptitude of the current parasite who resides in 11 Downing street at the taxpayers expense, the PM has hired part silicone model/whore, Katie Price, as a financial adviser to the Chancellor. Price is an expert in the field of bankruptcy and pissing £40 million away so she should fit in nicely with Rachel Reeves rag tag band of overpaid, underqualified imbeciles. Quoth the PM, "I know she has seen more Japs eyes than a Nissan wing mirror, buts lets be honest, She cannot do any worse than the idiot I lumbered the country with". Price is training for her new role with her son Harvey teaching her arithmatic, thats when he has finished bouncing around the house in a crazed stupor. Price, 40 odd, of Italian, Spanish, English and Jewish descent was born in Brighton which just about expains everything. At the time of publication, Reeves was unavailable for comment. Price Looks like a  Jack the Ripper Victim

 Lock up your daughters folks. A Viking hoard has infiltrated the village with intentions of burning, looting, raping and shooting. One of these heathens has managed to worm his way into the Inglenook referring himself as "Frankie". We can reveal his real name as "Thorson the Long" from Iceland. His speciality is laying waste to vast tracts of land, torturing Monks and sacrificing virgins to Odin. Only last week he was boasting of drinking and wenching his way through Chichester after consuming vast quantities of ale and mead. These are troubled times indeed. Thorson the Long Heathen Lunatic

 This Week....Lieutenant Theo Kojak, NYPD

Inglenook regulars, staff and Monday night sausage club members are still reeling over the events of February the 18th, an evening set to become folklore. It started as any sausage club night with various members criticising not only the cooking methods but the sausage casing quality and ingredients thereof.   This casual banter was, however, interrupted when Neil Mellers entered the establishment after witnessing a typical Chelsea defeat at the Bear, an inferior pub a short distance away. Mr Mellers, 56, of Anglo Maltese descent seemed to be in an advanced stage of refreshment and after two pints of London Pride had the temerity to take an uncut sausage from the grill and place the entire snorker into his mouth. A savage berating then began but Mr Mellers seemed oblivious to this unparalleled act of sheer folly. Casual observers sat open mouthed offering gasps of sheer disbelief. Whether Mr Mellers will be welcomed back at another juncture is yet to be decided.   Mr Neil Me...

For fans of the James Bond talkie franchise, the wait is nearly over for the announcement of the new actor to take on the role of 007. The front runner is none other than local man Terry Hicks. Mr Hicks, 80 odd, a retired handyman of Anglo Scandinavian descent has been chosen as he possesses all the required accoutrements to take the secret agent into this decade. He has had some acting experience. He took on the challenging role of the innkeeper for his Sunday School nativity play in 1946 and made an appearance in the TV show “Queer as Folk” in which he played one of the folk. With his athletic frame and distinctive voice, he is sure to rank as highly as George Lazenby or Timothy Dalton.     James Bond "The name is Hicks, Terence Hicks"  

 Today, I have another classic on my turntable also. The unforgetable "Songs for Gay Dogs" by Paddy Roberts, a pseudonym used by the country crooner, John Deveraux. Here we have 12 songs straight from the heart, tales of canine rejection and heart wrenching tunes from the little understood world of fruity furry friends. From the opening steel guitar infused "Where else am I to put it", to the closing track "The Bichon Frise was on his knees", this is a long player right up there with Joe Dolces greatest hits and Fred & Rosemary Wests Christmas album. Deverauxs voice is rich and soothing, the vocal equivalent of being bathed by Hattie Jacques sporting a Rolf Harris mask wearing chain mail evening gloves, whilst immersed in a bath of swarfega. I urge you to buy this album, 10% of every unit sold goes to world wide gay dog charities. Paddy Roberts "Like a dog, woof woof"