OAP Cripple Chariot Gangs Become Public Menace - Ted Maul Reports

Bognor citizens were angry last night as the local authorities & the police failed to agree on policies to combat this new urban menace. Shoppers and prostitutes have been attacked by gangs of OAPs driving those funny little battery powered cripple chariots using walking sticks as lances and paint ball guns for general combat purposes. The leader of this gang is thought to be Doris Pickles, 78, of Anglo-Norman descent, a known accomplice of Adolf Hitler when he visited Rose Green in 1944. Mrs. Pickles made him a wide selection of cakes, pastries and related sundries when he visited the Rose Green pastry guild for afternoon tea, this led to casual conversations about strategies and tactics which would serve Mrs. Pickles very well in the future. She describes this campaign as “total war against society” for some reason or other and warns of more concentrated attacks to come. Rose Green is still in shock as the gang made a daring raid on the knitting shop causing substantial damage to the “shop open/closed” sign.

New Nyetimber Supergroup Start Recording Debut Album - Reg Costello Reports

Progressive rock fans were pulling themselves off in excitement last week as news leaked out that rumours surrounding the formation of a local rock “supergroup” were true. The band,
called “You are here” are a 4/5 piece prog-rock combo comprising members of succesful past rock outfits. They are: Sid Siddique, 30-odd, ex Rose Green bhangra act “Ali Akbars Cosmic Deception” on guitar, Simon Hutchison, 30-odd, ex Aldwyck garage band “The Smoking Tornadoes” on keyboards, Gary "Spud" Brien, 40-odd, ex Rochester blues combo “Chew My Arse” on drums and Dave Whines, 40-odd, ex Dartford prog-rock quintet “The Big Wednesday” on bass guitar and vocals. Rumours have also circulated that "Disco" John may be joining as lead guitarist. Disco, 40-odd, has played with various top local rock acts including "Muddy Gays Blues Gypsies, The Jimi Maddox Experience & Bucks Fizz tribute act Fucks Bizz". The working title for the recording is "The Gardens Of Telos" and is already being heralded as a classic by such Prog-Rock stalwarts as Rick Wakeman, Tony Banks and Peter Gabriel.

Gay Bishop Challenges Choir To Wanking Competition- Rabbi Jacob Carnoustie Reports

New God-squad appointee, Canon Jeffrey John has started his life as prospective Bishop by challenging the choir of Tossbury cathedral to a wanking competition. Canon John, 30-odd, of ecclesiastical descent, has spent most of his life in a “fart or turd” dilemma which can be very
embarrassing if a punter is trying to enter you. C of E bigwigs will meet at this years general synod and one of the items on the agenda will be whether or not to televise the competition. This could see television ratings soar as we are treated to the “Cuddly” Cannon pulling himself off live and uncut. Canon John will have to be at his best to beat alto - soprano Justin Simkins, known to his friends as "two jerks and a squirt" Justin.

Lorraine Kelly Found In Skip - Percy Dovetonsils Reports

A group of burly manual workers were taken by surprise last week when they found TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly, sat inside their skip. The men nearly ditched a bin full of apple cores and fag butts over her but she stood up and demanded a mug of tea and a ciggy. According
to the workmen, she stank of booze and fags and was dressed in a tarty but tasteful micro skirt and boob tube combination. She then pulled a bottle of buckfast tonic wine out of her pocket and began to slake her thirst. Kelly, 40 odd, of Hiberno-Gaelic descent had been on a bender with other notable Scots like John Leslie and the Krankies. On being asked why she got her head down in a skip she replied, “Och, its far better than a park bench, d'ye ken?”. She then stumbled away swinging her handbag in a sexually provocative manner, struggling to walk in her high heeled "hooker style" stilettos.

Al Queda Attack On Selsey Now Imminent - Prof Bernard Quatermass Reports

Selsey was put on a state of high alert last night as intelligence suggested that Al Queda terrorists are ready to launch an attack on this backwards Sussex town populated by in-breds and other assorted scum and riff-raff. The local home guard have been re-called after being stood down in 1945. Public unrest has broken out after the kebab shop was torched last night and the owners taunted, mocked and shunned. Osama Bin-Laden himself is rumored to be leading the attack himself as the kebab shop owner is a member of his tribe. Selsey locals have been expecting the backlash since the kebab shop incident. “The pitta bread was always soggy and the chilli sauce had no real punch, also the salad was bogging.” quoted Kelvin Undermanager this morning. “My brother who is also my Father was shitting conkers after scuppering a large mixed kofte last Friday”.

Presenter Punch-Up At Chelsea Flower Show - Amos Applechurch Reports

As expected, Monty Don and Alan Titchmarsh finally came to blows at the Chelsea flower show earlier this year. Charlie Dimmock tried to wrestle them apart but was beaten back by the ferocity of the two feuding gardeners. The row ensued over allegations by Monty Don, 40-odd of Anglo-Irish descent, that he was “pissing all over Titchmarsh” in the popularity stakes. Mr. Don leapt at Titchmarsh, 5o odd, of Yorkshire descent, from a small birch tree wielding a Spear & Jackson professional lawn edging tool. Before he could begin a series of savage blows to the head, Mr. Titchmarsh responded by lashing out wildly with a B&Q economy rake. The two then fell into an ornamental lilly pond until the bout was finally broken up by Tommy Walsh. Mr. Walsh said later, “I am disgusted with those two bastards, what an example to set to a young gardener”.

Hitler Diaries Discovered In Rose Green - Finton Garragher Reports

Sensation hit the streets of Rose Green last week as an authentic set of Hitler diaries were found at a charity boot sale. They were submitted for sale by a Mrs E. Braun, a local resident since May 1945. The diaries give us a tantalising insight into the mind of the second world war nuisance. In it he speaks fondly of Rose Green and its surrounding villages suggesting that he wished to retire there after achieving world domination. He speaks highly of the local WI after spending many coffee mornings with them. "He was a lovely man" said Doris Pickles who was only 19 at the time. "I could not help thinking that something was troubling him though he loved my lemon fondant fancies".

BBC Admit To Bringing Kennedy Assassination Forward By One Day - Ted Maul Reports

BBC Bosses released papers today suggesting that they paid the Mafia/CIA over a million bucks to assassinate the Irish-American President a day ahead of schedule to avoid a clash with the pilot episode of Dr Who, the greatest sci-fi programme ever made. Jackie Kennedy had been previously consulted as her marriage to Greek shipping magnate Aristotle Onassis also had to be brought forward. She was also looking forward to watching Dr Who in peace and quiet without having to listen to the Kennedy brothers wobble on about Russia and whose turn it was to kick Marilyn Munro's back door in. J F K was also aware of this change to scheduling but did not have the power to interfere with BBC scheduling.

Adolph Eichmann Spotted In Local Garden Centre - Prof Bernard Quatermass Reports

Aging Nazi and WW2 nuisance, Adolph Eichmann was spotted walking calmly into Brick Kiln Nurseries on Sunday morning. He had come to discuss installing a water feature at his Selsey cottage. Adolph has lived a quiet life in Selsey after faking his death in Israel. Ted Maul took this statement; "I came to Selsey where I could blend in with all the other freaks and misfits who seem to be prevalent there, I got a job working as a secretary in the local health centre under the alias of Martin Bormann. I took up gardening as a hobby as it is a welcome change from butchering innocent people". Mr Eichman also runs a local match-making service in Selsey specialising in people with blond hair and blue eyes. He can be contacted at Genocide cottage, Selsey 555 5705.

Public Demand Iceland Withdraw Katona From Ad - Klaus Willinachter Reports

Often tubby and alledged coke-head/piss artist, Kerry Katona is not flavour of the month after public complaints which have swamped Iceland since her exploits have been published in the tabloid press. Katona, 20 odd, of Eastern European and northern council estate descent, shot to fame after being in 3 piece mime act, Atomic Kitten for all of ten minutes. Since then she has been a constant feature on television and newspapers and even inviting "Hello" magazine into her house before her marriage to that Irish eejit went to buggery. "Our Kerry", as she has been named by the media, may be just that to a select few, but not the general public who are sick to death with her constant media exposure even though she has no discernable talent. Also under public scrutiny is the award of "Celebrity mum of the year" even though these awards ran alongside tabloid stories, featuring alledged pictures of her with a rolled up fiver stuck up her nose, snorting chang from a niteclub toilet seat.

Isle Of Wight Beat International Competition To Host Next World War - Amos Applechurch Reports

IOW President, Sir Edgar Acropolis has clinched the islands bid to host the next world war at a summit meeting in Ryde, the islands capital. Other bidders included Skye, Corsica, Guernsey &
Cyprus. The IOW beat the other islands hands down due to superior beaches for amphibious landings and excellent cafes/restaurants for mid carnage refreshment. But in accordance with guidelines from NATO, the runway at Bembridge airport will have to be lengthened considerably. Biological and chemical warfare will be available by prior booking but nuclear strikes are discouraged due to the wildlife. D-Day style cliff assaults are available at Whitecliff bay but not Blackgang Chine due to severe errosion issues.

Ex Special Forces Man Goes Berserk In Selsey - Ted Maul Reports

Police, MOD & the local WI are searching for a man who has gone crazy after being arrested for vagrancy in the war-torn town of Selsey, West Sussex. The man who has not been named for security reasons is called Dean Moulson, 27, a labourer of Hiberno-Saxo-Irish descent. Reports suggest he was walking through the town to see an ex-forces buddy when he was approached by Special Constable Will Teasle, late 40s, ex-sherrif of Jerkwater USA. Moulson appeared unkempt and surly whilst being questioned by Teasle about the validity of his visit to the town. Moulson was taken to the local Police station which also doubles as the town tattoo/piercing emporium for questioning but broke free injuring several special constables and jogging the tattooist into a series of catastrophic spelling errors. He then stole a trials type motorbike and made his escape into the Selsey wetlands, being persued by an angry mob of Police and local TA who were conducting exercises in the area at the time. His training commander Col S. Trautman, was flown in to Selsey from Fort Bragg, USA where he had been sharing a seat with his arse. Trautman, 59, of German descent warns the public about Moulsons capabilities, "He is the best, with guns, knives. his bare hands, he has been trained to ignore weather, ignore pain, to eat things that would make a billy goat puke, to kill ! period !". Reports also suggest that Moulson may now take revenge by laying waste to Selsey with various explosives and large calibre automatic weapons he has stolen from various members of the TA and Moses McGintys gunshop, which he broke into last night.

Hitler's Chalfont's Blamed For Invasion Of Poland - Percy Dovetonsils Reports

Papers have been released suggesting that Poland was invaded by Germany because Hitler's orders were misheard. The phrase “Vill no-one rid me of these piles” was misheard as “Poles” and the rest is history. If only old Adolf had taken advantage of the many preparations and
poultices available at the time, WW2 may have been avoided. Mr. Hitler's diet of pickled herrings, sauerbrokken & sauerkraut took its toll on his arse leaving anal stalagmites similar to those found on heavy ruby murray eaters. In the last days of the war Hitler's whore/wife Eva Braun had to spend many hours applying savlon to his ring in a vain attempt to quell the
onslaught of open sores and infected pustules. Much of his shouting during Nazi rallies was due to pain brought on by a growing bag of grapes hanging from his arse. His piles can be seen at the Berlin Chalfont's museum in the hoopenstraze along with Herman Goerings aniseed twist collection and Martin Boremanns comedy toupees.

Cruise Liner Aurora To Be Broken Up In Chichester Yacht Basin - Ted Maul Reports

P & O have decided to cut their losses and have the stricken vessel Aurora broken up when it returns to the UK riddled with more disease the Geri Helliwells underwear draw. The contract has gone to Pugh building services with Mr. Mick Hames as project manager. “As we build most of our projects with shit left over from other jobs this contract is ideal” said Mr. Hames over a light lunch of smoked salmon, scotch eggs, guiness and 20 royals. Mr. Hames has stretched his resources to encompass this project as well as the rebuilding of Iraq but predicts a smooth operation, “The fact that this ship is riddled with disease does not scare me” said Mr. Hames over a cheese board augmented by a vintage port. “I am so full of bacteria that I am immune to anything that shitty old boat can throw at me”. The boat contains large amounts of asbestos and CFCs but Mr. Hames has already hatched a plan to safely dispose of the material, he explains over a large cognac, “I going to burn the fucking lot behind the burger wagon”.

Report Suggests "School Run Mums" Contribute To Child Obesity - Reg Costello Reports

Kids are getting fatter and that is a fact. A new report, published by Finklesteins emergency reports, states that most of this is down to their parents crazed close quarter protection and poor quality food. The reason these women insist on driving their little fat McDonalds kids everywhere is because they are the women who wanted softer sentences for nonce's and other unstable lunatics. Then because they are “so busy” they funnel heaps of fast food into them before handing them a series of various remote controls where they can absorb more adverts suggesting which type of shite they can eat next.

George Bush Praises US Troops Fighting In Selsey - Hank Sargasian III Reports

Always at the center of controversy, George Bush still found time to talk to the troops in war torn Selsey last week. He was, however, 25 minutes late as he missed the 12:15 from Chichester station. Embarrassment was averted as “Honest” Alf Tonks was on his way home from the seafood wholesalers in his series 3 land rover, (Ex MOD, 5 bearing crank, FWH & fairey overdrive model). Mr Bush reached the podium, and began, with a distinct aroma of fish, his thrilling oration in honour of all the troops deployed in this troubled West Sussex village, not
like that nice place called Nyetimber. He praised the US detachment for their heroic attempt at re-taking the discount tyre centre from Al Queda forces. Mr Bush also offered a large sum for the capture of local activist “Al Queda Neil”, responsible for many atrocities such as the Pagham duck pond waste bin bombing, and tampering with the temporary traffic lights in Runcton, causing delays lasting 7 minutes. Mr Bush was then treated to a slap-up high tea at the Women's Guild field HQ. “The victoria sponge was fantastic, I managed to pick up the recipe from Mrs Flora Stubbins” he said later, wiping raspberry jam from his chin. He then had to get a wriggle on to catch the 19:30 back to Chichester.

Amazing “Adult“ Scenes From TVs Neighbours Discovered - Dirk Van Den Haagen Daaz Reports

As cabinets were removed in an effort to remove cockroaches/vermin from the Neighbours cutting room, amazing “adult” style scenes were discovered. One recent scene involved Karl Kennedy attempting to break up the romance between Izzy & Gus. He bursts into the restaurant dressed only in a stetson hat, leopard print briefs, & a pair of cowboy boots. He is brandishing a whip and with three cracks he extinguishes the candles on their table. Gus tries speaking but carl cracks his whip severing his tie just below the knot. Gus rises but his intentions to establish a retort are usurped by a further crack of Karl's whip as his trousers fall around his ankles to the delight of the other diners. Humiliated, Gus retreats whilst Karl escorts Izzy back to his surgery of love. He wastes no time and removes her garments with his whip and then mounts her “rodeo” style, slapping her arse and whooping loudly. The scene ends as Lou Carpenter appears flogging dodgy condoms & broken alarm clocks.

James Brown Visits Finklesteins Restaurgogue - Rabbi Jacob Carnoustie Reports

The gun-toting soul sensation had a whale of a time last Saturday as he entertained members of the Runcton Jewish Costermongers society at the annual dinner held this year at Solomon Finklesteins restaurgogue in Nyetimber. He enthralled the crowd with many of his hits as well as augmenting his set with traditional Hebrew songs of promised lands and mowing down people with automatic weapons. Brown, 60-odd, of African-American descent is an avid gun fan with many to his collection. At the end of his set, the audience were treated to Brown capping off several rounds from a 9mm Browning into the ceiling, he followed this by many well aimed bursts from a Thompson sub machine gun which spelt, “I feel good” on the curtains.

Boris Yeltsin Reveals How He Milked Margaret Thatcher - Finton Garragher Reports

Gash have managed to obtain exclusive extracts from Boris Yeltsins memoirs, a tome the whole world has been waiting for. A large portion is dedicated to an incident involving former PM, Margaret Thatcher. During a summit meeting she burst into Russian Premier, Boris Yeltsins private quarters demanding to be restrained & then milked. “Boris, I am heavy with milk”, she exclaimed, so Boris acted swiftly and turned her onto all fours. He then removed any restrictive garments to reveal her sagging, undulating breasts. After straddling her he evacuated the
excess milk with alternating twisting and squeezing techniques into a galvanised aluminium fanny. After the ordeal they both enjoyed tea augmented with some of the Thatcher milk. Other chapters contain accounts of Yeltsin having red kidney bean husks removed from his arse using a sink-plunger, and a scandal involving three Carmelite nuns and a pallet of Greek yoghurt.

Saddam Hussein Trial, Links With Selsey Established - Ted Maul Reports

After more information was teased from Saddam Hussein last week by crack American lawyers, Selsey residents were shocked to discover that Hussein was responsible for providing cash, weapons and Halal meat to the many terrorists holed up behind the discount tyre centre. Hussein, 60-odd, of Iraqi-Hittite descent admitted that Selsey is a recruiting area for crazed terrorists and also training is available in explosives, weapons and combat cross-stitching. He also hinted at further attacks eminating from Selsey including the destruction of the RSPB hut on Pagham spit. Local twitcher, Oswold Ramblington, 63, a retired costermonger of Burgundian descent is furious at the alledged promise of attack. "We will fight them on the beaches, My Grandfather made that hut out of matchsticks on his deathbed, they will have to come through me to destroy it". The small banjo-playing community of Selsey are already restless after only just recovering from the gun battle centered on the Selsey minaret as reported last month.