Lorraine Kelly Found In Skip - Percy Dovetonsils Reports

A group of burly manual workers were taken by surprise last week when they found TV presenter, Lorraine Kelly, sat inside their skip. The men nearly ditched a bin full of apple cores and fag butts over her but she stood up and demanded a mug of tea and a ciggy. According
to the workmen, she stank of booze and fags and was dressed in a tarty but tasteful micro skirt and boob tube combination. She then pulled a bottle of buckfast tonic wine out of her pocket and began to slake her thirst. Kelly, 40 odd, of Hiberno-Gaelic descent had been on a bender with other notable Scots like John Leslie and the Krankies. On being asked why she got her head down in a skip she replied, “Och, its far better than a park bench, d'ye ken?”. She then stumbled away swinging her handbag in a sexually provocative manner, struggling to walk in her high heeled "hooker style" stilettos.