Ex Special Forces Man Goes Berserk In Selsey - Ted Maul Reports

Police, MOD & the local WI are searching for a man who has gone crazy after being arrested for vagrancy in the war-torn town of Selsey, West Sussex. The man who has not been named for security reasons is called Dean Moulson, 27, a labourer of Hiberno-Saxo-Irish descent. Reports suggest he was walking through the town to see an ex-forces buddy when he was approached by Special Constable Will Teasle, late 40s, ex-sherrif of Jerkwater USA. Moulson appeared unkempt and surly whilst being questioned by Teasle about the validity of his visit to the town. Moulson was taken to the local Police station which also doubles as the town tattoo/piercing emporium for questioning but broke free injuring several special constables and jogging the tattooist into a series of catastrophic spelling errors. He then stole a trials type motorbike and made his escape into the Selsey wetlands, being persued by an angry mob of Police and local TA who were conducting exercises in the area at the time. His training commander Col S. Trautman, was flown in to Selsey from Fort Bragg, USA where he had been sharing a seat with his arse. Trautman, 59, of German descent warns the public about Moulsons capabilities, "He is the best, with guns, knives. his bare hands, he has been trained to ignore weather, ignore pain, to eat things that would make a billy goat puke, to kill ! period !". Reports also suggest that Moulson may now take revenge by laying waste to Selsey with various explosives and large calibre automatic weapons he has stolen from various members of the TA and Moses McGintys gunshop, which he broke into last night.